akgfdl;gfdg;; k, I'm going to kinda rant. I usually save my rants for lj but I don't even use that thing anymore lol. I'm actually going to talk about something serious for once. I already talked to patsu about it lol XD
ugh I still can't believe I'm typing this, I am really dying from embarrassment as I write this...... I have trouble making friends. I find it really hard to approach people. Maybe it's because I was a totally shy/introverted type when I was a kid (still am kinda lol) but I am extremely shy around new people. Especially online. Not to mention I am extremely self-conscious. I reread everything I type at least 3 times (Which is why I take forever to type things besides msn XD) and I always try to think of the best way to phrase things when I speak/type, even if it's about the simplest of things. Heck, sometimes I even think about not typing what I was thinking at all because I lose heart halfway through. Also why I don't really msg people on msn. Even when I get the e-mails of new people on msn, I get scared to msg them because I'm worried I won't know what to say or there'll be this awkward silence. Same thing for people I haven't talked to in a long time, even if I know they're the nicest person in the whole world.
I also don't like to depend on people/ask them for favors. Not like I have an independence complex but I hate to rely on people. I hate working in group projects and I usually end up splitting the project's workload between us all so we don't have to
actually work together. It makes me feel..... weak, and maybe useless to have to depend on others. I feel like I'm always dragging people down or that I'm going to be left behind if I depend on them, so I try to be as independent as possible. (Although I really fail at it lol.)
Another thing, I hate to talk about my feelings. Again, it makes me feel weak and then I have to come to face with reality and the truth of matters. I don't want to acknowledge when I'm feeling jealous, or angry, or any other negative feeling, especially if it's towards someone else. Self-loathing I can handle. But acknowledging my feelings always makes me feel inept, as if it's stupid for me to feel this way and I should know how to control my feelings better. I also don't want to burden other people with my feelings. They already have enough crap on their hands, they don't need my crap as well. Why spoil someone's good mood just because I'm feeling like crap? I can handle it on my own, so I do. I bottle up all my emotions and never tell anyone (except for fangirlism xD and ya know, maybe when an idiot pisses me off) and eventually, the feelings pass over and I am myself again. I also forgot to mention that I really suck at explaining myself or expressing things to other people, so err don't try to strain your brain too much trying to understand this.
I realize this whole entry is extremely hypocritical, especially regarding my supposed 'personal philosophies' and things I tell other people, but I just needed to get it off my hands. I really mean the things I tell other people, I just find it really hard to follow my own advice. I feel happy when people tell me their feelings and their problems and I love to help them or even just listen. It's probably when I'm happiest, ironically, but I really do need to follow my own advice and stop preaching. I also sound a damn spoiled brat. It's not like there's anything seriously wrong with my life anyway. Just consider this the absurd spoutings of one adolescent girl angsting. Not even really angsting, just being spoiled. It's not even that important.
I should probably delete this and get on with my day.
